A Fabulous Find or the Day the Empress went Wild!

Hello Dhaaarlings...

The Empress and I recently started volunteering at a local Opporunity Shop...

Well... It gets us out of the house and away from the maddening Gnomes... We get to meet some very nice people and as it turns out... it as a treasure trove of garments suitable for theatrical productions...

Last week whilst working the back room sourcing some old tat for "Annie" (the current theatre production I'm working on) I found this...

It was smeared with about an inch and a half of powder makeup around the collar and cuffs... giving it a lovely Oompa Loompa look...

"With a bit of a clean-up, that would look great on "Grace"" I thought and would save me having to make another outfit from scratch...

I showed it to the Empress who thought she could get the makeup out with a cake of "Velvet" soap

When we got home the Empress got immediately into makeup removal mode... happily scrubbing away at the laundry tub with her velvet and a soft nail brush.

With a little burst of joy she exclaimed "See look! It's starting to move already"... Holding up the now soapily orange tinged and drenched collar of the garment...  I left her to her suds and scrubbing and went to get on with some more sewing ...

 Suddenly I hear the Empress squeal... " Princess! Oooh! I don't believe it... Princess! Come and take a look at this!"

I went racing back up stairs with visions of the outfit in tatters having decintegrated with the shock of soap and water and Empresses scrubbing brush...

Did you see this? She says excitedly pointing to the label on the inside... and holding up the dress... now looking pristine...

(I hadn't)

"It's a Hartnell! a Norman Hartnell!"

"It's even got the little crown"

"A Who?" I reply

"Norman Hartnell! Norman Hartnell! Don't tell me you haven't heard of him Princess?"

"Vaguely" I say obviously still looking oblivious to the meaning and urgency of her words...

"He only made all Queen Betty Dressnice's dressess!" she exclaimed, "Her bridesmaids gowns, Her Coronation gown... He's Famous!

Oh! I never thought I'd live long enough to see a real one let alone be scrubbing makeup off the neckline"...

 

It made her day Darlings...  It was her Birthday afterall...

And nothing topped that ecxitement...

not even the chinese take away for her tea...

When Gnomes Go Wild... Prepare For a Ruder Interuption...

Hello Dhaaarlings...

After yesterday's traumatic visit to the carpark at the local shopping centre... This morning I awoke to the sounds of much frivollity and merriment coming from the "Psychotic Gnome Maximium Security yard" or otherwise known as the side garden of the Empresses house...

Personally I can't stand gnomes of any description... but the Empress loves them... not that she collects them or anything... so don't even think about sending any more to live here as they will be cerimoniously smashed upon arrival... No.. The Empress inherited them from the daft previous owner... and has since become compelled to take on the role of their custodian... despite all my attempts to "bin" one or two of them when we do some weeding and raking of leaves when tidying up the garden out in their yard.

I have to keep them locked in a yard otherwise the little creeps sneak all over the place and suddenly appear in strange locations in the the back gaden. They frighten the fuck out of me sometimes.... 

On investigating the ruckus it seemed the little blighters were going off... for some reason... "That is odd" I thought... usually they are just moping about the yard until they hear the gate unlock and then they "Play Statues" as you round the corner...and make out like they are frozen or something ( they don't fool me...  the sly little fuckers)
 But today... The Gnomes were obviously celebrating something... something queerly exciting and many... might I add... were caught "Playing Statues" in some rather compromising positions... Perhaps they knew more about what would unfold during the course of the day.... Just as well I didn't have my camera to snap a few shots... as i'm sure you would be quite shocked at the antics of the fornicating little fuckers... I know I was... so much so that I had to go back for another look! 

I thought no more about my rude awakening and went about my daily business... Which today... consisted of taking the Empress off to her weekly "Moaning Maladies" session. 
 It is a weekly group run for the aged and infirm. Set in a supportive environment  where people of similar ilk can get together to share their many, many problems... I can't understand why... but but for some reason the most popular topic of discussion seems to be... "Our Horrible Children".

The Empress loves it! The group that is...

But she would have you believe otherwise... I have to listen to her constant protests about going to it for the whole duration of the drive there... once having wrangled her up and straped her into the car...


"I'm not that old and I'm certainly not infirm Princess!" she'll say.

"Mother darling... the group hasn't stated yet" I remind her, changing gear.

But she continues... "Besides... That awful woman from down the street will want to hog the whole session with her hernia again"... "And I'm well and truly over seeing Mr Brown drop trou to show us his latest surgical scarring"...    

But as we drive along I often say to her... " Yes... I know that is probably the case Mother... But... as you have always told me...  It is best to try before you buy"....

On returning home with the Empress and having heard her retelling of all the Moanings and Maladies of her fellow participants, as I pull into the driveway I notice a small package leaning by the side gate.

So does the Empress...

What's that in the corner? says the Empress.... pointing to the box shaped object covered in brown paper.

"It looks like someones delivered a parcel while we have been out" I reply

"Where's it from and who's been sending parcels?" she says bending to pick it up..

"Careful Mother" I say as I notice the Queens head staring at us from it's licked and affixed positon at the corner of the box... "It could contain something quite sinister"... copping a wiff of an ominous odour eminating from the parcel...

"Oh look! It's got Queen Betty Dressnice's photo in the corner! Exclaims the Empress... "Maybe she's sent me one of her old tiaras... It's was her birthday the other day and she's always giving away her old tat to the poor and needy... Bless Her..

"Oooh... It's for you Princess"..."Has MJ finally sent your that Wanking Tin?" she asks...

"No Mother.... That arrived last week"
but I have a creeping suspicion about what this box might contain... No wonder your Gnomes were so excited this morning....

"Stand back while I open it Mother"

"Ahhh.... What's that?!" She screamed...

"It's the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Mother!... Quickly! Grab me the tongs

before they get loose and start breeding in my fabric stash...

Fortunately... I think possibly due to the shock of sudden exposure to the eucalyptus filled air of Australia or... from being unceremoniously struck by an iron wielding Empress.... The shorts suddenly stopped their dangerous flailing and sat there quite stunned...

And while they remained unmoving... I quickly had a rummage throught the contents of the box from which they had slunk...

"Just as well Mr Device sent some lovely hand made Soap and a brand new one of those pink loofah/body mop/nylon netting shower pom pom on a string thingamies!” I said to the Empress

I'll be able to geve them a thoroughly good scrubbing before adorning them on my person... Then I got lost in the selection of lovely postcards and parephenalia and loving little notes that had accompanied the foetid garment along with a fridge magnet...

"It's OK Princess... I've fixed the little blighters" I heard the Empress say snapping me from my fantasy and back to the reality of the situation...

And there she stood... Tongs in hand... grinning from ear to ear...

"I've Pickled them... That should stop 'em breeding till you work out what to do with them"

"Goodness Mother how will I explain this? I have a caption competition to organise..."

Stay tuned Darlings....

You Think You're Doing the Right Thing... And This Is The Thanks You Get....

Hello Dhaaarlings...

I took  a brief trip to the local supermarket this evening... Not an unusual event in itself.... but I digress...

While crawling around the parking lot looking for a space to park... I noticed   a "Lady" for want of a better term... who had just got out of her car but seemed oblivious to her surroundings and totally transfixed with the smartphone she was holding in her hand... And without breaking he gaze with the phone strolled straight out in front of my car...

As a courtesy I did what I thought was the nice thing to do and applied the breaks whilst giving her a short burst of my car horn... alerting her to my approach.

She immediately looked up... Stood her ground and gave me what can only bedescribed as a death stare and raised 2 fingers making a "V"sign and shouted "Get Fucked!" Then with what can only be described as an angry face... continued across my path to the other side of the road.

"Well!" I thought... "That's charming"

I eventually found a park.

Who should be standing behind my car as I got out?....

Your right!

The fingersigning get fucked facepoke "Lady"....

"Couldnt' you see I was fucking busy on my phone?" she shouted at me...

"Couldn't you check for oncoming traffic before stepping onto the road?" I replied in my nicest calmest voice... trying not to attract too much attention from the other people about in the car park...

"Well you didn't have to fucking toot at me" she said "I got a fucking fright"

 In my softest and sweetest tones I replied " But Madam... I think you would have got a bigger fright if I hadn't tooted and had just run you down!" I said...

adding...

 "And besides... What can be so important that you have to watch your phone rather than check for oncoming traffic?"

 By this time a small group had gathered a short distance away to watch the discussion unfold...

"There's no law against checking fucking facepoke!" She insisted... turning her back and walking off once again tranfixed by the electronic device gripped in her hand... and I  assume consumed by checking  "fucking facepoke"  again.... 

"No" I replied in a much louder voice so that she still might hear me...

"But there should be a law against stupid fucking people"

to the laughter and applause from the crowd gathered opposite.

Princess took a bow...

How was your day darlings?

Hear are some much nicer "V" signs...

I feel much better now...

Still celebrating the year of the Arse...