Friday, June 14, 2013

When Gnomes Go Wild... Prepare For a Ruder Interuption...

Hello Dhaaarlings...

After yesterday's traumatic visit to the carpark at the local shopping centre... This morning I awoke to the sounds of much frivollity and merriment coming from the "Psychotic Gnome Maximium Security yard" or otherwise known as the side garden of the Empresses house...

Personally I can't stand gnomes of any description... but the Empress loves them... not that she collects them or anything... so don't even think about sending any more to live here as they will be cerimoniously smashed upon arrival... No.. The Empress inherited them from the daft previous owner... and has since become compelled to take on the role of their custodian... despite all my attempts to "bin" one or two of them when we do some weeding and raking of leaves when tidying up the garden out in their yard.
I have to keep them locked in a yard otherwise the little creeps sneak all over the place and suddenly appear in strange locations in the the back gaden. They frighten the fuck out of me sometimes.... 

On investigating the ruckus it seemed the little blighters were going off... for some reason... "That is odd" I thought... usually they are just moping about the yard until they hear the gate unlock and then they "Play Statues" as you round the corner...and make out like they are frozen or something ( they don't fool me...  the sly little fuckers)
 But today... The Gnomes were obviously celebrating something... something queerly exciting and many... might I add... were caught "Playing Statues" in some rather compromising positions... Perhaps they knew more about what would unfold during the course of the day.... Just as well I didn't have my camera to snap a few shots... as i'm sure you would be quite shocked at the antics of the fornicating little fuckers... I know I was... so much so that I had to go back for another look! 


I thought no more about my rude awakening and went about my daily business... Which today... consisted of taking the Empress off to her weekly "Moaning Maladies" session. 
 It is a weekly group run for the aged and infirm. Set in a supportive environment  where people of similar ilk can get together to share their many, many problems... I can't understand why... but but for some reason the most popular topic of discussion seems to be... "Our Horrible Children".

The Empress loves it! The group that is...

But she would have you believe otherwise... I have to listen to her constant protests about going to it for the whole duration of the drive there... once having wrangled her up and straped her into the car...


"I'm not that old and I'm certainly not infirm Princess!" she'll say.

"Mother darling... the group hasn't stated yet" I remind her, changing gear.

But she continues... "Besides... That awful woman from down the street will want to hog the whole session with her hernia again"... "And I'm well and truly over seeing Mr Brown drop trou to show us his latest surgical scarring"...    

But as we drive along I often say to her... " Yes... I know that is probably the case Mother... But... as you have always told me...  It is best to try before you buy"....

On returning home with the Empress and having heard her retelling of all the Moanings and Maladies of her fellow participants, as I pull into the driveway I notice a small package leaning by the side gate.

So does the Empress...

What's that in the corner? says the Empress.... pointing to the box shaped object covered in brown paper.

"It looks like someones delivered a parcel while we have been out" I reply

"Where's it from and who's been sending parcels?" she says bending to pick it up..

"Careful Mother" I say as I notice the Queens head staring at us from it's licked and affixed positon at the corner of the box... "It could contain something quite sinister"... copping a wiff of an ominous odour eminating from the parcel...

"Oh look! It's got Queen Betty Dressnice's photo in the corner! Exclaims the Empress... "Maybe she's sent me one of her old tiaras... It's was her birthday the other day and she's always giving away her old tat to the poor and needy... Bless Her..

"Oooh... It's for you Princess"..."Has MJ finally sent your that Wanking Tin?" she asks...

"No Mother.... That arrived last week"
but I have a creeping suspicion about what this box might contain... No wonder your Gnomes were so excited this morning....

"Stand back while I open it Mother"



"Ahhh.... What's that?!" She screamed...



"It's the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Mother!... Quickly! Grab me the tongs
before they get loose and start breeding in my fabric stash...


Fortunately... I think possibly due to the shock of sudden exposure to the eucalyptus filled air of Australia or... from being unceremoniously struck by an iron wielding Empress.... The shorts suddenly stopped their dangerous flailing and sat there quite stunned...

And while they remained unmoving... I quickly had a rummage throught the contents of the box from which they had slunk...



"Just as well Mr Device sent some lovely hand made Soap and a brand new one of those pink loofah/body mop/nylon netting shower pom pom on a string thingamies!” I said to the Empress

I'll be able to geve them a thoroughly good scrubbing before adorning them on my person... Then I got lost in the selection of lovely postcards and parephenalia and loving little notes that had accompanied the foetid garment along with a fridge magnet...

"It's OK Princess... I've fixed the little blighters" I heard the Empress say snapping me from my fantasy and back to the reality of the situation...

And there she stood... Tongs in hand... grinning from ear to ear...



"I've Pickled them... That should stop 'em breeding till you work out what to do with them"

"Goodness Mother how will I explain this? I have a caption competition to organise..."

Stay tuned Darlings....

27 comments:

  1. Palais Princess picked a peck of pickled pantaloons!

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    1. Pantaloons?... Have you been off to one of those "dressup in your favourite ancient costume and re enactment days" again Mr Lax?

      These shorts could enter the solo jousting compo... or at least give the court jester a run for his money...

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  2. Replies
    1. She does indeed Huggy Jon. Now she's researching what to serve with them...

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  3. You've been well and truly crowned! J

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  4. Oh, Princess! This is brilliant! I love this post so much! So much, in fact, that I'm going to channel T-Bird/Miss Smuggersham's use of exclamation marks:

    !!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!1!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!

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    Replies
    1. I love how the Empress dealt with them. First clocking them one with an iron then pickling them. Ha! Take that, 'Shorts!!

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    2. Thank you Mr DeVice... In so, so many ways...

      The Empress is quite enthused about them. She's busy researching uses for pickled Elf Shorts as we speak... She's contemplating slicing them and using them like jalopeno's as a pizza topping...

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  5. Thankfully, he sent you a NEW pink loofah/body mop/nylon netting shower pom pom on a string thingamie.

    I don't like to think what he's done with the "used and broken" pink loofah/body mop/nylon netting shower pom pom on a string thingamie.

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    Replies
    1. Neither do I MJ... But ithink the shorts might be in need of a double scrubbing...

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  6. p.s. Mistress MJ has garden gnomes.

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    1. Ps. Princess still abhors them... Have you had them treated? Surely the Dr can prescribe a vanishing cream for an infestation...

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  7. Thank God you have them sealed up, I shudder to think what would happen if the gnomes got hold of them...

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    1. So do i Wallace... The little horrors are all suddenly "Playing Statues" near the gate to their yard...

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  8. When they came out of the box, they sort of over took the room like a crazed octopus! Your one brave sole to put them on....one day.

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    Replies
    1. I think the Empress needs a bravery award for her quick thinking and agility with an iron and apair of tongs...

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  9. May I suggest a boil wash at 100°C. My nanna used to boil her 'larges' on the stove with a bit of acdo, they came up a treat, getting rid of all the skiddies. She used to call it knicker soup.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for your nanna'a cleaning tips Mitzi... We'll try the Elf Short short soup....

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. Nice post. Can't wait for the compo!

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    1. Thank you Mr Rimpy... I'm hoping to get something organised over the next week or two....

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  12. Good thinking! but don't they go on your can and not in one?

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  13. Oh my, it's June 26th in Oz already. Although I'm sure you haven't awoken yet.

    When you do, pop over to mine for your birthday blowout.

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  14. Gesundheit, Gl├╝ck und ein langes Leben, my dear Princess!

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  15. I recognise that cardboard box as it came from my studio.... er... if the shorts smell funny it's because the box made a trip to that vile damp bungalow in Somerset last year... all my packaging materials picked up the smell. Soz about that.
    Sxxxx

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