Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Now Showing at "The Palais"....





It's Movie Clip Wednesday again... And thanks to Milk River Madman
We have another interesting challenge for this week...

The theme for Wednesday 10th November 2010 is...

"Your First Date Movie"

Well...this week just for a change...
I'm going to get a little self indulgent here and mainly talk about me...

I know... many of you will be in shock and you may even find such frankness to be a little peculiar as..... if you are a regular reader and even if this is only your first time visiting "The Palais"... you will already know or soon realise that I hardly ever indulge in such unseemly behaviour...
Having stated my intent I must warn you that I am about to divulge to you some of my deepest darkest and saddest life moments growing up...

But please.... don't despair...there is a happy ending to all of this...
 which I will eventually get to if you care to bare with me....

   To tell you the totally open and honest truth...

I have never ever been on a first date movie with anyone.

I know... it is quite a shocking sad revelation and I do hate to burden you with the news but I did warn you.


As a kid growing up in a small country town I always knew that I was different.
Not just because I was overweight... Didn't consider myself to be all that good looking... Not very good at sport... Felt more comfortable hanging out with the Girls (but not in a "will you be my girlfriend?" kind of way) rather than the Boys.
I could jump rope and play "elastics" better than kick a footy much to my late Father's dismay.

I also sang, played classical music and was happier in the artroom creating beautiful things or in the library reading in a book than running around the schoolyard
As a result I copped a lot of bullying from the other boys for being more like one of the girls.

Taunts of "Sissy" "Faggot" and the more common Aussie term "Poofta" were words that I heard often... I pretty much understood the inference for "Sissy"

"Faggot" I had cleverly researched and discovered that it was a reference to "a bundle of sticks" which I thought was an odd thing to call someone.

I had no idea what the term "Poofta" meant... As far as I knew back then it was something  that someone in crowd would yell at the umpire at the footy match when they didn't like the decision he'd made against his team...

These cry's were hurled across the schoolyard with good regularity hitting anyone that got in the way for just being odd in their looks or sometimes awkward or strange in their behaviour... or just plain different.

  To make things worse... as I grew older I started to have these weird thoughts and feelings that I knew made me different... weird and maybe even a bad person...
I didn't have a name for it back then.
  They were very strange and uncomfortable feelings that at the same time felt... well... good.
Exciting and arousing feelings and sensations but... at the same time must be terribly wrong. A boy shouldn't feel like this. I'd been to the "Sex Ed" class. Boys were only attracted to girls and  I would one day marry and make babies and live happily ever after....
I was in trouble... there must be something really wrong with me... terribly wrong. I had no interest in doing what the teacher had shown us in that instructional film about "How babies are made"...Yuck...
But I did know that I was really keen  to get home to my bedroom and try to make that sperm stuff happen...

Puberty hit me like a train wreck.
These feelings got stronger and the worst place for me to be was in sports class and the locker room..
 I was a late developer and I was fascinated by all these guys I'd grown up with... suddenly starting to change into men before my eyes.
And many of the more confident of them were none too shy in demonstrating their newly discovered manifestations and abilities. Public displays of newly sprouted pubes ... developing  muscles... growing cocks and a sudden and proud fascination with sharing their newest skill in being able to "Crack a Horn"
The locker room became suddenly a dangerous cesspool of burgeoning male sexuality and high octane testosterone.


With the thoughts I had crashing about in my head and trying to grapple with my feelings of sexual attraction... It was all too much for me to deal with...
Not knowing why I felt like this and realising that there was no one I could go and talk about it with... least of all my parents...
I dealt with it in the only way I knew how to at the time.
I suddenly found every excuse in the book for not attending sport classes.
I couldn't run the risk of more abuse should my feelings of sexual attraction lust be discovered... And Cracking my own Horn in the locker room in front of the other guys I thought would really be the teller...
Everyone would then know my horrible secret.

From then on Avoidance became my modus operandi..
In my Senior Year things became so bad for me that I dropped out of one subject. I made the excuse that I didn't like the subject and had far too much coursework in my other subjects... I remember sitting in font of the Teacher an School Principal an bursting into tears of frustration trying to explain my reasoning for wanting to drop the class without letting my true rationale slip.

The fact was ...
I had developed a huge crush on the Teacher.

 It was in the day when tight jeans and even tighter body shirts were all the go...
And this guy was built in all the right places. Tall.. dark haired.. Permanent 5 o'clock shadow... Deep brown eyes... V shaped torso. Wide Shoulders....Muscular Arms and a well displayed  sixpack. And a butt so tight and muscled it could probably have cracked walnuts... Hell I could even tell his religion....
 And he always smelt so fantastic. When he innocently leaned in on my desk I just couldn't stand my levels of painful arousal. Well you try sitting through an hour of this Absolute Adonis with a raging stiffy in your pants. 

I knew from early on I really didn't aspire to dating...Well not girls anyway.
I struggled during my teens with my sexual urges thinking that being attracted to the same sex was terribly wrong and there was something really wrong with me for thinking that way and fantasizing about older guys and male teachers.

 I tried going out with a couple of girls in my late teens and early twenties but when it came to anything more than holding hands and kissing a little.. well it just felt weird and I didn't feel right going any further.

None the less
I continued to maintain the lie that I was straight and threw myself into my career making sure that I had no time to establish meaningful  relationships with either sex. But along the way having many annonymous encounters with men of the same persuasion which for me felt really right but then the old guilt and self loathing would return.
I'd then go into a period of avoidance and social withdrawal.
It was not until my early thirties that I finally came to my senses and stopped waisting a lot of energy and effort in maintaining the myth and openly admitted that I am a gay man.
By this time my Father had passed away... He probably would have been disappointed but doub't that he would have been very surprised or loved me any less. I certainly didn't love him any less after his suicide...

My siblings were all mostly supportive though some still have their moments.

 Mum took a while (for several years we hardly kept contact) but we have both done a lot of healing in our relationship over the years and She is pretty accepting of things as they are these days. I love her Dearly...


Back when I finally grabbed the bull by the horns... I have to say that I was a little worried about my work colleagues reactions after working with the same team for over 10 years.
 I needn't have... as they were fantastically supportive.
The main response from them was "Well tell us something we didn't already know" and "Thank God you have realised for yourself, we were wondering how long you were going to take!"

So anyway to cut a long story short... Some of my workmates organised to take me to the Movies in celebration of my long awaited admission and self acceptance...and newfound happiness and lust for life...

 Which is how this all ties in to MCW

And this was their Choice...








It wasn't really a "First Date Movie"
 But to me...Through their thoughtfullness... It made up for all the first dates I'd never had. 


Happy MCW....Dhaarlings...

12 comments:

  1. Oh honey. I didn't need to cry this afternoon.

    I think you're fabulous and so generous.

    But then again, I'm biased.

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  2. You're a gem dear Princess Bundlesticks.

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  3. Oh dear ... *mwha*

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  4. Princess, I'm a very conservative guy but I really don't have a problem with your lifestyle. I want everyone to be successful and happy and I hope you are both. As a matter of fact, I'm so confartable that if I ever went to Australia (which is a goal) you'd be the first man I'd call to show me around. You are a great person for being such a loyal reader knowing that I am a conservative guy. I'm in no way a homophobe. Not in the least. To each their own. I just want my taxes to go down and to be able to own a gun. I want you to be happy and if you are I am. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a great participant in MCW and a loyal reader of the drivel. And for opening up so much in this meme. You are a saint. God bless you.

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  5. What a lovely story to read whilst eating my breakfast x

    And what a fantastic film to celebrate with :)

    To me, it's the person I see, not their sexuality. And, maybe one day, the media will not place so much importance on the knowledge of which gender a person likes to get squelchy with. Stories like yours might help to get the message across about the effects of our accepted stereotypes on young people growing up.

    Great pick and a lovely story x

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  6. First time visitor to the Palais here. That be good writings! And, probably, a fitting MCW movie choice.

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  7. Good morning Princess,

    The important part is that you are now happy with who you are and that's all the really matters.

    Hope you had a good clip day and are enjoying my tomorrow.

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  8. What a beautiful and moving post, Princess. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt, personal journey with us. And I'm so glad that you're living your life freely now and being true and happy with who you are. That's a wonderful thing.
    You're truly an amazing and marvelous person.

    I luv Priscilla, Queen of the Desert! It's one of my fave movies of all times, because of the incredible, breathtaking views of the Australian outback and the stunning, fabulous, magical quality of the costumes and scenes and inspired, fun, imaginative use of music, dance, and drama! It's a spectacular film that made me laugh, made me think, and made feel for the characters and want to go see the great continent of Australia and all its fascinating people!

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  9. One of my all time favorite movies. I simply ADORE Terrence Stamp, and he remains beautiful to this day. Your story tugged at my heart. I'm glad you had such a supportive team during the final steps of your journey. Happy MCW!

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  10. Great story. So it sounds like you were actually the last one to know. Bwahahaha And when you said the story had a happy ending, well I was thinking of something else entirely.

    Happy MCW!

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  11. Dear Roses
    It was not my intent to bring tears... So may I appologise... But thank you for your generous words...

    Dear Hayward
    I now feel free to embrace my "inner bundle of sticks"
    I like "Princess Bundlesticks" It might just catch on...

    Thank You Mr Mags
    And here is one right back at you...*Mmmwha*

    Dear Madman
    Thank you for your kind words.
    I love reading your rants and figure in the most part your just letting off steam... Thats part of the joy of living with freedom...
    It would be an honour to show you round my little part of this country if ever you decide to travel Down Under. Might even organise to hunt you some Roo...

    Thank you Joanna for your kind words and it is good that things are slowly changing when it comes to supporting our youth and breaking down the barriers so that lifetimes are not wasted in closets or suicides.
    I have always been one that has tried to see the person and not the sexuality.

    Perhaps that is why I always seem to fall for the "Straight Guy"....:-(

    Welcome to the Palais Troll
    Feel free to wander round...
    Thankyou for your encouraging words... MCW is one of my favourite Meme's

    Hi Karl
    Your tommorrow was just a wonderful day here... Bright sunshine ans a cool breeze. It is now my yeesterday so enjoy it...
    And you are so right...It is important to be happy in our own skin...

    Dear Eros
    thank you for your wonderful support...
    The movie was/is a great showcase of the iconic Australian Landscape
    It also captures the Aussie sense of humour. The storyline was both
    funny in it's premise but also quite moving and in parts even a little disturbing... But i think in some way it perhaps broke down some of the homophobic barriers and steriotypes and gave a lot of people something serious to consider when it comes to attitudes and understanding...

    Dear Moi
    Welcome...
    My colleagues at work were someting special... We have all gone our separate ways now and lost track of each other over the years...
    I saw an interview with Terrence Stamp about the making of Pricilla he was very self effacing re his wonderful characterisation of the role. I'll watch him in anything...

    Dear Buzz

    Yes I was the last to know. But i too can now laugh about it and that my friend.... is a very good thing...
    And just between you and me... there have been many... dare I say it... "Happy Endings" over the years since...

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  12. Dear Princess, that sounded like my story up to the bit about the super-hot teacher. Looking back on things now, I'm glad I didn't have to deal with feelings for a teacher, too.
    Thank you for sharing this - It just goes to show, we never realise we're not alone until we almost laughing about it as we look back on life.

    That kind of didn't make sense, but I hope you know what I mean?

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