You Must Remember This......

Hello Dhaarlings...

Princess has been taking a walk down memory lane and found this old thing...

 

It bought back so many conflicting memories for me...


It was many moons ago when Princess was just a wee slip of boy in his early to mid 20's...


It was my first big adventure out to a Really Truly Nightclub...

I Know... How sad I hear you say... Poor sheltered Princess didn't go to his first ball until his 20 somethings...


Well I was a very late developer...

 I had just started a new job and met some terrific people... and one of them in particular had caught my eye... even tough I couldn't understand why... but to me... he was just... well... gorgeous...

Lets call him "John" shall we?

Dark haired, Dark brown eyes, Olive skinned and a beautiful body... well proportioned and nicely toned in all the right places. A wonderfully disarming smile... Great sense of humour, confidence and sense of himself.... 

Do you get the picture Dhaaarlings?...

Looking back.... All the things that I felt at that time that I didn't have...

We hit it of pretty well which surprised me as I didn't think I had much to offer but we became close friends spending a bit of time with each other both at and outside of work...Nothing of a sexual nature ever occured...

He had himself a girlfriend after all... And he would often invite me along to join them at the beach or for drinks and a meal... which was lovely...

But from time to time I would find myself having these sexual fantasies about him. They caused me some alarm really. I guess I probably had a huge crush on him but somehow managed to keep my feelings to myself at the time. These feelings generated a recurrance of all those feelings I had during my earlier school years... which I thought I had managed to suppress.

I suppose this could have given me the opportunity to examine those feelings more deeply however...I continued to attempt to deny the attraction to men that already existed within me. 

I know!... It was a terrible struggle... but I just wasn't ready to face facts.

 Often a group of us would go for yum cha for breakfast of a weekend and more often than not... as I was the only one with a working car... I would pick up those wanting a lift along the way into Chinatown.

The first time I called to pick "John" up for breakfast he met me at the door wrapped in a towel and just out of the shower. He invited me in and proceeded to chat away while getting dressed in front of me I thought that it was just a case of he running late or me being early... But on other occasions he'd be in his briefs.   

 Of course I'd be all embarrassed and break into a sweat and lose track of the conversation and find myself distracted but trying not to openly stare at him.

I guess that he was just the type of guy that was totally at ease within his own skin and thought nothing of inviting me in and chatting away in front of me as he got himself dressed to go out.

And at that time of course I was still heavily into self denial regarding my sexuality...

I wasn't meant to be having these feelings about another guy and particularly one that was a friend and even more particularly... one that was already going out with one of the other girls in the group... and him gadding about in a towel or his Y fronts.

He seemed genuinely oblivious to my predicament...

Anyway one night a group of us decided to go to a nightclub..

Never having been to a night club I had no idea of the dress code and the "big beefy door bitch" for some apparent reason wasn't going to let me in. He felt that my shoes were "inappropriate". I was terribly embarrassed... as all my friends had already passed the fashion police and were inside already.

It was then that my object of lustful thoughts "John" came to my rescue. 

  

He went sidling over to the "big beefy door bitch"... and caught his attention for a quiet chat... they both looked in my direction then there gaze dropped to my my shoes... and shared laugh between them. The next thing I  knew. "John" is calling me over saying that things were sorted and that I could join him inside with the others....

We grabbed drinks on the way past the bar and found the others in our group.

Of course the discussion stared as to why I hadn't come in with the rest of them... John had great delight in relating his discussion with the "big beefy door bitch"....

    

"I went over and explained to him that Princess was just a boy from the country on his first big night out in the city and could the he "door bitch"

make an allowance for his country charm and ignorance"

The others all fell about laughing on hearing this... And laughed even more

when I blurted out... "But..."John" that is exactly the truth. It is my first time at a nightclub!"

He looked dumbfounded...

Anyway... We all headed for the dance floor and were bopping away to some terrible 80's disco... when this song came on...

Halfway through this song playing I felt these arms embrace me from behind and a chin rest on my shoulder...I initially froze. I'd never had this happen to me before by either a girl or a guy. Then as I eventually eased myself around to see who it was... I realized it  was "John". In a lowered voice he said...

 "I'm really sorry Princess, I didn't mean to embarrass you like that but I didn't realize that this was really your first time". And with that kissed me on the neck. I was totally overwhelmed with emotion and wanted to kiss him right back... on the lips... in the middle of the dance floor. But I stopped myself. 

I just stepped back... I think in shock and wanting the ground to open up and swallow me in  my embarrassment. I remember mumbling something like 

"Er... that's alright" As he let go of me and and moved around to join the circle a little further around.

This interaction stirred feelings within me that I would grapple with for years.

I think that it was the first time that I had truly been attracted to a guy that I really knew... and that I had sexual feelings for which confused me and was then actually in a physical situation with him.

We remained friends while we worked together but not as close... I found it hard to be around him when I was on my own... knowing that the relationship would not go any further than a friendship. But it did start me to really think about my sexuality and the possibility that I was gay... Hey I'd always had thoughts that I was.... but denial is a very powerful thing.

Back on the dance floor...

Still stunned... I took a sip of my drink and it was then my turn to stand there looking dumbfounded.

And in the background "Baltimora" kept on singing about his "Tarzan Boy" 

Everytime I hear it... I still tingle with the memory of those arms and that kiss.