Thursday, January 6, 2011

New Year Thank You'se

Hello Dhaarlings...

As we progress through year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails last year.

 I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or, have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I cant use the remote in a hotel room because I dont know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I cant sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I cant touch any womans purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to thousands of sick Children, Grandparents, Husbands, Wives, Aunt's Uncles and Nextdoor Neighbours...
 all of whom were to imminently die without my life saving contribution to assist in easing their plight.
And not one of the ungrateful bastards said thank you.

I no longer have any money but..
I'm so looking forward to recieving my million dollar handout from a long lost relative's Estate in Nigeria. It should arrive after I've sent them my banking details..

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me

 and the novena's of St. Theresa, St Jude, St Dorothy, St Dymphna and St Fiacre have granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'm worried that I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I cant eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I cant use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I immediately forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Though I do wonder why they never thank me for my thoughtfulness or bother to reply....

Because failure to do so will result in all sorts of terrible bad luck befalling me...


BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola

Because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car

So that a serial killer doesn't crawl into my back seat while I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I cant boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

THANKS TO YOU I cant use anyones toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my arse.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me on the arse as I bend over.

If you don't forward this Message to at least 144,000 people
 in the next 70 minutes
 a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head
 at exactly 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon. 

And the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back....

 Causing you to grow a hairy hump.

 I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
nextdoor neighbours,  ex-mother-in-law's, second husband's cousins' best friends', Beautician or was it their Proctologist . . .

Oh... and by the way.....

A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Dont bother taking it off now, its too late.

Here's to another stupid, useless, paranoia inducing, silly, inane, frightful
  fear mongering and scam filled year packed with rubbish information  Dhaarlings....



  1. I never touch the door handles in public restrooms!

  2. Mistress MJ has THREE different types of anti-bacterial hand cleaners in her handbag.

    And that was before the emails started.

    Oh Hai XL!

    *would high-five XL but I don't know where his hands have been*

  3. Dear XL,
    'I never touch the door handles in public restrooms!"

    And very sound advice it is too.

    Do you push the door open with your wenis like i do?...
    At least i know where it has been..

    Dear MJ
    "Mistress MJ has THREE different types of anti-bacterial hand cleaners in her handbag. And that was before the emails started.."

    One can never be too safe...

    "Oh Hai XL!" *would high-five XL but I don't know where his hands have been*

    Well we know that they haven't been near any toilet door handles...

  4. Goodness! I feel I should now cleanse myself before leaving your post. I may even turn five times in a complete circle and pat myself on the head with a brick just for good measure.

  5. I like to eat a handful of dirt before shaking hands. I believe it boosts my immune system.

    Don't forget about the rolex and viagra hucksters.

  6. I only read that with my hand on the mouse because I let my mind wander earlier and it never came back.

    * huff * I never get those emails! What's wrong with me? WHAT?!?

  7. @IVD: Do you REALLY want me to answer that?

  8. I got an email the other day from a Russian woman who lived Uzbekistan or something. Her furnace or stove had died and she needed a new one. It was fairly cold there and she had many mouths to feed. Not sure if she was a Tjernobyl victim since she has more than one mouth.

    Perhaps I should have asked?

  9. I always have my mouse in hand when reading. Even emails. Let's disinfect the world with alcohol. But wait with the ciggi ...

  10. Brilliant post my darling. One I would have loved to have written.

    I'm currently typing this with sterilised chopsticks (I don't know where my laptop's been when I was asleep).